i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
