i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
