I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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