The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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