I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
honey bunches of taint.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
