Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
