What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
