broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
