Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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