does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
