see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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