You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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