I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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