I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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