It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
