Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
