Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
