Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
