i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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