I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My ass is underappreciated
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
