just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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