i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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