i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize