your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
