OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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