Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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