This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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