I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
