I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
