I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
