it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
