You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
