well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
