I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
