i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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