i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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