I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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