I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
