Got a toothbrush?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
