It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
