I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
