Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
3pm strippers are depressing
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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