running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
