then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
