We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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