If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
