3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
