you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
