what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just want to make out with him forever
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
