I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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