Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
