Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
