I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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