no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
