I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
