Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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