I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
