happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize