i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
