i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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