Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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