That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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