I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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